she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
