its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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