Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
