it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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