Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
