I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you never un-have a 4some
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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