He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
COCAINE IS GR8
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
