I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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