before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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