You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
