he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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