dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
