is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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