bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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