whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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