I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
