I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
