my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All the doctor said was why
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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