I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
