they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
