im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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