i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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