How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
