this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
