WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
