you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
