Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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