So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I could fuck to npr.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
