I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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