I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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