just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
