when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
