Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
