My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
