um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
