Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
