his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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