wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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