just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I will be naked everywhere
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
