i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Be still, my beating vagina.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
