I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
