We tried having a conversation with our noses.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
