just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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