8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
