The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
