the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
