I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
do herpes really smell.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think your dad took our porno
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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