i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
