i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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