I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
