I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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