do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
