He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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